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Communicating with one's child has probably been a touchy subject since the beginning of time. Whether it's because of differences in age and generation, or just some built-in responses between parent and child, communication between parent and child isn't always easy. Some parents and children have a natural ease between them, making it much easier. And some parents may not have it as easy as it outwardly seems. They have just cultivated the fine art to such a degree that it LOOKS easy. Perhaps they have incorporated some of these ideas for better communication.
ยท Don't just talk; spend some active time also listening. This doesn't just mean hearing the basic words and/or ideas that your child may be saying. It also means really hearing what your child is saying - as well as what he may NOT be saying. This may take spending some real quality time with your child, so that you know your child better. In this way, you are more likely to notice when something may be wrong, and when the child isn't saying much about it. This may also help you in deciding when to press the child to open up, and when to just leave him alone to deal with things on his own. Sometimes, a child needs the flexibility to talk whenever he's comfortable and ready to open up.
ยท Be available for your child. Our lives are so full these days that we always seem to be in a rush. There are so many activities and issues that demand our attention and time. But it is more important than ever to be there for your child, to be available so a child has "his" time to be with you. Communicating can mean more than simply talking. It can also mean just being together. You can be together at home, just hanging out, watching television or playing video games, or it can involve getting out of the house and away from normal distractions. Go to the park. Play games. Go to a movie. Go bike riding or out for a walk. Take a hike. Take a family vacation. Read together. Find some activities that your child really likes, then find ways to spend time doing them together.
ยท Ask your child about his day. This doesn't mean attacking him as soon as either of you walks through the door at the end of the day. But find some time to have a casual conversation about his life, and about yours. Perhaps your child would enjoy hearing about some interesting part of your day. Maybe your child is wishing he could just sit down and unwind with you. If a child doesn't open up with you, how are you to know if things are good, or not so good? And don't just ask questions designed to get you a simple "yes" or "no" response. Asking, "Did you have a good day?" is sure to get you a one word, short and sweet answer, and you won't have learned a thing in the process. Ask specific questions, then listen to the answers and respond accordingly.
ยท Encourage your child as much, if not more, than you criticize. A child needs encouragement. He needs to know his parent approves. Too much criticism can turn a child so far away from you that no amount of open communication will ever get through the negative wall he has built around him. Before you open your mouth to say something negative, think if there's a better way to say it. Actively seek out ways to praise your child. Observe what he does, what he says, how he acts, and praise him accordingly. Discipline, and sometimes criticism, are necessary. Just don't make it so much a habit that this is all your child sees and hears from you.
ยท Educate yourself about the things that might influence your child or that your child may find himself surrounded with. Know as much about alcohol, drugs, gangs, etc., as your child. In this way, you are able to intelligently discuss these issues with your child, to teach him about a safe, wholesome life. And you will understand more of what he is saying, should he need to come to you to discuss any of these critical issues in his life. Better understanding creates better communication, which in turn results in better understanding.
ยท Cultivate an open and honest relationship with your child. Be honest and up front with your child at all times. Now, this doesn't mean that you should tell your child absolutely everything. That's where you have to be a parent and find the fine line to draw in the sand. Part of being a parent is shouldering the load of family responsibilities, so that the children don't have to bear such heavy loads while they are still kids. But you can - and many times should - be open about issues that directly involve your child, or your child's frame of mind and emotional wellbeing. If there is an obvious problem affecting the entire family, this is the time to be open and honest. Let your child ask questions and express his fears and concerns. Comfort him and reassure him that you are in charge and that the family will work together to overcome anything. Then let him know that you, as the adult, will do your best to make sure the family comes through the issue safely and intact. Other than this, try to help the child move on and not become too obsessed or overburdened about it.
Finally, just be yourself with your child, and encourage the same in him. Let your child know that you are always open and available for him to approach you, no matter what the situation may be. Always let your child know that you will love and accept him, no matter what. You can dislike, even despise, something a child does, without discarding the child in the process. And this is something every child needs to know.
Keep the doors open, cultivate an open and healthy relationship, and the relationship and communication will grow.
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